You Are Stronger than You think

Lookbook is making me happy for the past 3 days. It is a venue to showcase the things I am willing to be parted with in order for me to proceed with my pet project.

"I can, I will, I believe."

Yesterday, the hubster was a bit sad. He came home early from work and we went through all the details, pros and cons of owning The Bayview. The Bayview is the Dream House. Its not entirely the house I wanted but the property is so massive and the view is spectacular.

The thing is, we might not be ready to be homeowners. At least not yet. We both wanted to have a house but circumstances impedes us to do so. So we both became sad knowing that our dream house will just be a dream. But it is by embracing the truth that our lives become a bit lighter and our minds become clearer. If The Bayview is not for us, then it is God's will. Everything happens for a reason. I give it all to him, the unseen mover of all.

Our lives are complicated because we choose to lead a complicated path. It is our choice. We are the product of the choices we make.

Dress Accordingly

"Dress according to your body and not according to your age." I recently read this somewhere. I am not reliable with the source because I have gazillion fashion magazines.


I have to admit that I have been slacking when it comes to my fashion for the past few months. This is because of my body. I have been doing a yo-yo! The hubster bought me a weighing scale just so I could monitor my weight.

Most recently I am on LOOKBOOK. I re-entered my tweeter account. I have been a domesticated wifey. General cleaning with my 2 guest rooms. Trying to make our crib a little bit livable. A little bit prettier. A little bit happy.

The hubster (aka Beamer) and I are on the process of contemplating and deciding whether we buy the house we love or wait for a few more years. The house is not so pretty. It has 2 small bedrooms, a small living room, a small dining room, a basement and a massive property. The previous owner has a 7 yard of grapes erected on his property. (When I saw it, I want to make it a little bit higher and we can have wooden table under the grapevine and dinner with family and friends will be so "preppy".) The property is so good that it was overlooking the bay. It is the ONLY house on that block with unobstructed view. It is A-MAZING!

Anyway, the first time we went inside the house Beamer chatted with the neighbors who are the grandsons of the owner. There was a deer, yeah, you read it right, A DEER! The deer was heading their directions. The kids (Ondrej & Kylee) were ecstatic and shouted: Santa Claus. They were probably thinking if the deer is there then Santa will be following. Makes sense.

For Beamer, it was a sign. An approval from the previous owners, may they rest in peace.

For me, the house is not my style. The rooms are so small. BUT if the hubster loves it, I will oblige. After all, this man married me twice, that must've meant a lot. Right?

The WHY

Most of you are wondering why I deleted my photos. It was a spur of the moment decision. It liberates me. 

I am feeling bitchy today more than any days of my life. I just don't get that some people take time to read, dig deep into my thoughts, talk about it and refuse to follow my blog. I guess they don't want to show me that they read my blog (or follow it) because they have an agenda. A very insecure agenda.

I have tried to delete "friends" on FB and they still invited me. So I figured, what the heck! I just wont show my photos to everyone. I have a blog and to differentiate my roadies to the "hoi polloi" I will provide an access to my photos.


So please don't make it personal that I do not show you photos anymore. I guess if you want to get something from me it is just fair that I get something from you. Hey! I'm not asking for money!


Ponder that!

Unobstructed Rage

There is hatred in my heart. The kind which makes my head spin and make me do stupid things. Like ran away from it all. The kind of hatred which makes me want to cry for hours but opted not to because of too much hatred. The kind of hatred which makes me jump the bridge, except that I dont know how to swim.

I am getting NUTS!

I want to do a lot of things and yet starting seems to be the hardest part.

It is! Learning how to walk seems to be too hard for babies. Learning how to ride a bike gave me a lot of scars on my legs. Learning how to love, scars in my heart. Learning how to trust.

I am consumed with hatred. I cannot even begin to start this blog. Where is it coming from? I dont know. Maybe from past experiences. Maybe from bitterness. Maybe from the deepest recesses of my being. I just know that I have a lot of hatred inside me and its just sitting there in the crevasse of a tiny little heart of mine waiting to be triggered by almost anything.

I love spending time with old people. They seem all settled with everything. They just dont care about life that much anymore. Maybe because they have exhausted themselves already. I cant say I cant wait to be old but I just cant continue hating. I hope there will be people who will teach me how to calm my heart. Otherwise I will be wearing a straitjacket sooner than expected and people will rejoice. Okay, not all because what do they care right? 

Stranger Danger

I woke up from a dream. Nasty sick dream. Scary.

Ondrej and Kylee were playing outside the room where Sugar and I were chatting. It was a house in the country. Small and the neighbors were far.

All of a sudden, Ondrej shouted, "Mommy a man took Kylee." Sugar and I were looking around and we were both screaming her name. We realized the perp would not be that far. We kept running and some kids were pointing to their direction. We ran and ran and we saw a lady with a bike. We got her bike and I drove and Sugar was at the back. We arrived in a college and students were confused but still managed to look at the direction we were looking for. Its like they knew what we were looking and just the direction of where they look helped us without uttering a word. Then it was dead end and we kept on screaming. Kylee was like struggling under a blanket with the pedophile. She opened the blanket and I started punching the man. Sugar started punching him too but I was too tired from driving the bike so I cant punch as hard and decided to bite him but then I realized he could have AIDS I started slapping him.

Then Kylee woke me up. I told her about my dream and that she should not talk to strangers.

As you all know, I love watching Criminal Minds, Law & Order SVU, CSI and all those gruesome sociopaths and psychopaths. So the dream scared me. All my dreams seems true.

Children are stubborn and naughty by nature. It is expected of them. If they cant talk to you they will seek attention from others. It is however the adults responsibility to teach them. The time to teach them about safety and precautions is now. The time to be firm with your kids is now. The time to provide them with knowledge is now. The time to inculcate the danger of "talking to strangers" is now.

The time is NOW. And it starts with YOU.

My Wedding Gown

During my City Hall wedding I was appalled by my hair. I felt like a lunatic. And everyone who knew me probably realize that I am not going to post a lot of those photos. It was a bad hair day. But the Farm Wedding, I was thankful to my friend, Maricel Santerre for the hair and make-up. Also to Phiay who painstakingly made sure gazillion hair pins will hold my hair.

I am thankful to a lot of people and I guess I did not mention them during our "Thank You" speech because I was so tired and stressed and wanted to strangle a few people who wanted to ruin my day.

I would like to thank my new family, The Lods family for being there and for their assistance. I am grateful and appreciative that you have welcomed me in the family with open arms. Each and everyone of you made our day special. 


To Cousin Tony Dominioni and Liza, thanks for my drinks and making me feel a little bit calmer during the wedding. 

To the Sunaz family. To my Father, Auntie Esther, Dudz and May for helping out when all hell broke loose. Thank you.

To the Sacayan-Llacer family. I am grateful that you drove 17hours from Durham, North Carolina to Seekonk, Massachusetts. Thank you for helping me with the decors. 

To Maricel Santerre, my new friend who loves "laing", Thank you for the help with my hair and make-up and for organizing the maniped a day before. 

To the Salazar's family, you guys are the best. Thank you for being a trooper. The kids are phenomenal and really well behaved. And you guys drove all the way from Canada to Massachusetts just to make sure that everything will fall to its place. Thank you so much!

To Phiay Carino Photography.

Thank you for the amazing photos! You're the best!

To Sugar (my lil' sister) who made sure that everything is fine and in order. For calming me down. For the love and support. For everything. Love you and Kulas bunch!

To my Nanay, my number one fan! Thank you for making sure that I will keep my sanity. 

To all of you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you all. Words are not enough.

All Apologies

Francis Farm-Rehoboth, MA

My apologies for not blogging sooner. After the Farm Wedding (and my birthday) last September 17 which ended at 4pm at the Farm, I collapsed on my bed. By 8pm we went to the after party in Ramada where the hubster got a room. Apparently he was pushed in the pool and his phone was all wet. I on the other hand just stayed in our crib with my fam.

I had 2 shots of tequila and I was hammered. The next day I went to the john like 10 million times. I was dehydrated and vomitted my esophagus. I was a wreck! But I woke up around 3pm and met my friend, Mommy at the Cliff Trail in Newport with my fam.

The next day we went to Cape Cod.

The 20th I went shopping with my fam.

The 21st, everybody left. That was the start of me being SICK!

I am still sick today. I called Francis Farm for some details which needed to be fixed. And it was!

I will be posting the wedding photos soon. Probably on my secret blog which will now be revealed as the wedding is over.

Thank you for understanding, my roadies.

To Wed or Not to Wed

A few days ago a friend posted a question on her facebook status: Why do we need to be wed?

I replied with several scenarios:
Me: To wear a wedding gown.
Her: But I can wear a wedding gown even if I dont have a wedding.
(I forgot to point out that its only called a wedding gown if your getting married otherwise its just called a gown.)
Me: So you can waste money and serve food to people who will malign your gown which is expensive enough. And people oblige you to kiss your husband by the "cling" of their glasses.
Her: Waste of money. Id rather not get married if were just breaking up in the long run.
Me: Everything in this world has an end. Even the truest of all TRUE LOVE will part ways because of death.
Her: Thats why I dont want to get married bcs everyone will part ways as you said!
Me: Hmp! Just think of it this way, its better to click a divorce status rather than single.
(Thread broken!)

I must admit, I was not helpful to someone who probably needed guidance. I am a newlywed and will currently renew vows. What have I done?
I am sorry for not providing an honest opinion. I always goof around and it might have catapulted into changing your mind. I will try to make amends.

According to wikipedia:Marriage is a social union or legal contract between people that creates kinship. It is an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged in a variety of ways, depending on the culture or subculture in which it is found. Such a union, often formalized via a wedding ceremony, may also be called matrimony.

After much thought, people get married for a lot of reason. For religious reasons they feel that a blessed matrimony is acceptable by God. The church condemns procreation without the sanctity of marriage. By Law you are entitled to claims if you are married. You can even claim your husband to be "yours" and yours alone. 

True, nothing in this world is stable. It is an ever-changing world. Would you rather grow old looking for something that you already had but let it slip through your fingers?

First, let me ask you this: Is he willing to marry you? Because if what's keeping you from marrying him is the fact that you feel he is having second thoughts, then don't marry him. A man (however confused he is!) must not have second thoughts of marrying the right girl. Now if you think that you are not worthy of him, then you're probably not! Never doubt yourself. You are born alone and you will die alone, hence there is 1 person in this world whom you can rely on. YOURSELF!

If he is willing with all his heart to marry you and you are just asking what is marriage for? I know you have been wounded in the past. And past should be where it is supposed to be. The PAST. Leave it. You can never turn back time. Move forward. If you find a man who loves you and wants to marry you think about this: Are you willing to spend a lifetime with this man? Are you willing to embrace his flaws? Are you willing to trust him? Are you willing to start a family with him? Are you willing to love him in his worst as you love him on your best? 

Do not be scared. It is in the deepest storms that you become resilient. So what if it doesn't work out? You will not be haunted by the "what-if's". All you have to do is do your part as a wife. You know this things. I need not elaborate. The basis of marriage has been inculcated in our brains since we were children. But live your life. Follow your dreams. You are still going to be you. But now, you have an ally. You have someone to depend on in times of obstacles. Enjoy life, it comes but once. Do not be overwhelmed by the thought of marriage. I was, but I just reminded myself that I'd rather have this moment of bliss than a lifetime with nothing.

Whatever your reasons are, marry for the right reason. Marry for love. Marry a man you know and feel will love you on your worse as he does on your best. Marry a man who will support you in your endeavors. Marry a man who will be a good father to your children.

Marriage is an institution. Wedding is a celebration. Two different things, one foundation. Love. One powerful medium, God.

911 Day

"Obviously, Sept. 11th will never be the same. It was originally designated as National 9-1-1 Day, but the terrorist attacks of 2001 has shifted the focus considerably. President George W. Bush proclaimed Sept. 11th as "Patriot Day," and it's expected that--understandably--national celebrations will focus on the first responders who handled the terrorist attacks, and first responders across the nation."

911dispatch.com   

10 years ago, the most powerful country in the world was attacked. Today we commemorate the heroes and the lives of many who were short-lived but I hope to be a meaningful one.

The priest on the Sunday mass today stated that everyone was devastated on that day. Everyone knew exactly what they were doing and what they felt, right after that. I don't really remember what I was doing on that exact moment. I don't even know where I was during that moment. But I remembered how I felt after hearing the news. 

True it was devastating. It was scary. It was gruesome. It was depressing. Frustrating. Aggravating. It was complete darkness for the ones who lost their loved ones. It was enlightening for those who were saved. It was life changing for those who escaped and cheat death. It was an emotional chaos.

I will not discuss how terrorism will not solve problems or how its supporters risk their lives thinking that suicide bombings are going to save humanity. I will not go near the topic of TERRORISM. It is depressing to know that some people think that they are saving people by killing them. 

I do not want to watch the news or the specials for the 911 victims and heroes, not because I don't symphatize but because I do. I feel their loss. I feel the grief. I feel the nothing-ness. I do not want to watch them because their suffering is contagious and I do want to make them feel better, but what can I do? In times of sorrow, it is better to sit with them than open your mouth. There are no words that can ease away the pain.

For me, it is time to move on. To move forward. For the people who are responsible of taking care of their own, continue. And for those who has blood in their hands, repent. It is in time of crippling sorrow that we learn how to gather courage and stand. And I hope once again, America will be great!

I will not rant about how people offended me today. This is the day I keep silent about myself. This is the day I pray for peace. And peace like love and all other things, start from within.

Don't get me wrong. Tomorrow is another day!

Finding a Prince

"You can not make someone love you. You can not be thin enough or white enough or famous enough. The choice is entirely the other person's. Then again, you might try hypnosis."
— Jessica Zafra (Chicken Pox for the Soul)

I was a fool. During college I thought I'm going to find the man of my dreams and we will live happily ever after. Well, first I did not find any "man" and on the course of my fairy tale pursuits I realized there are no happy ever after. See, you will only know that you had a happy ending when you die. But then again, you died. So where is the happiness there?

I love breathing. I told my sister Sugar that if I hang myself and left a suicide note that will be a foul play. She needs to have my body autopsied or something. Why would I end my life when clearly I can make my enemies lives miserable just by existing?

Let me tell you a story:

When I was 18 I had a GINORMAS (gigantic, enormous, massive) crush on this bad-ass looking boy from Chicago. He is clearly not handsome. I was clearly blinded. I "loved" him from afar. He is always with his friends. I was always tongue-tied. Intimidated.

One day, while my sister Sugar had a sleepover in my boarding house there was a loud knock on my door. I was like, WTF?
Me: Who is it? (while dressing up)
knock-knock-knock
Me: WHO IS IT?
KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK
Me: WHAT THE F....
(I opened the door and saw him standing in there.)

Clearly I was not expecting that. Clearly I just woke up. Clearly, I was giddy.

We were standing in front of the door and I went outside to ask him if he needed anything. Like ask me the whereabouts of common friends but he did not. He was asking me out. I was confused. Is this a friggin' joke? I told him I cant because my sister was there but he said he can pick me up tomorrow.

Fast forward. I totally forgot the whole scenario but when we went for a movie it was a major major disaster!

We went to the movie house and he bought the ticket. He then said, I can go to the movie house first then he will just follow. I was again, confused. Maybe he saw some other girl he was dating. Maybe he saw his Mother. Clearly he was suddenly uncomfortable. I went ahead. He bought some soda and stuff.

He attempted to hold my hand and I brushed it off. All through the movie I was thinking, this boy whom I have a tremendous crush is not the man of my dreams. I totally zoned. I said, I'm going to the restroom. And I never came back.

I moved on. He could have been the perfect boyfriend but not mine. I realized that he may have been looking for someone better. I may have been insecure during that time but he was clearly not the guy for me. I know. I know. That was obnoxious of me to leave him there but it felt so right to do that.

And I felt soooo COOL!

In relationships, I guess its better to quit while you are ahead. Some masochists would stay in a relationship which is not working. I will not. It takes two to tango. If one person do not want to make the relationship work then it will not work. So for those who are single and currently dating, be with a man who will love you for who you are. A man who thinks that you look beautiful even if you just woke up. A man who makes breakfast. Or Dinner. A man who will constantly think of you all through the day. A man who will stand by you no matter what. A man who will understand your tantrums and PMS. A man who respects you and treats you right. A man who loves you and trust you. A man who will make you as a priority.

Do not stay in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. Do not stay on a relationship for money. Do not be a home wrecker. Do not settle to be 2nd best. You are worthy. You are a Goddess. In your own special way.

Do not settle for anything less.

Channeling Jessica Zafra

"Beware of those who have never been bored, depressed, or angry. There is something seriously wrong with them."
— Jessica Zafra (Chicken Pox for the Soul)

I was never a fan of hypocrisy. My work made it worse. I used to deal with guests who are so irrational that I wanted to strangle them with my bare hands. I just convinced myself: At least I am getting paid and I will not be imprisoned.

The whole duration of my existence I have met people from all walks of life. Rich. Poor. Tailor. Doctor. You name it, I have met them. I met people who'd rather have a new dress and beg for food. I met gay guys I love. I met closet gays. I met closet gays and they came out. I met happy people. Lonely. Depressed. I met crazy. I am crazy. 

I met people who pretend to be happy even if from the bottom of their hearts they wanted to drown themselves. I met people who pretended to be lonely so you can empathize of their demise.  I met new friends and loved old ones. I let go of some because they are not worthy. I kept some because they are.

I will never ever ever force myself to someone. Those who treat me as their friend will forever be in my heart. And those who stab me at the back needs to be eradicated from the circle of trust.
Sometimes you think that the people who stays are the people who loves you and care for you. Think of the motives. Do they stay because they love you or because they have  no choice? Do they stay because they want to manipulate the crappy shit out of you?

In your most miserable state, when you have hit rock bottom, think about the people whom you think has been nasty. Are they stating a fact? Are they telling the truth? Are they putting some sense on your irrational mind? Are they making you wake up from your convoluted dream? Then, these people are not exactly enemies. These people are actually friends. They stab you in the front. They tell it to you upfront. The HARD CORE TRUTH that you have been avoiding for so long.

Its a shitty world. This is not the Columbus and Magellan's era. This is the world that NOBODY can dominate, not even you (my dear literary goddess) Jessica Zafra.

Ayuda Me

My apologies for claiming that I will wear something chic. I wore something cute yesterday. I think I was right on with my outfit at the Clambake. Simple but trendy.

There were lobsters, corns, 3 types of sausages, potatoes, quahog stuffing, clams and clam chowder. I love the creamy clam chowder. Its the BOMB! I love it! Im a fan.

Today is yet another day to do my stuff. I am solely investing all my efforts into cleaning the guest room which Beamer wanted to be called as The Southern Room. I can smell flowers coming my way.

I figured, let me just do one thing at a time. The Southern Room, some household chores and my wedding decors. That's about it.

I bought a Calvin Klein bra yesterday and took a 34C by mistake. I need to return it but the Hubster is jam-packed with  things to do at work. So we will just do it tomorrow and then vintage shopping for tablecloths for the wedding. I also need to buy some clear photo magnets at Walmart. Ahhhhhhh!

Can someone from above send some help? 

Happy Labor Day

Were attending the Labor Day Clambake at Grandpa Dan's Farm in Swansea, Massachusetts. The farm was supposedly our venue for the Farm Wedding but due to inevitable circumstance we have to move to Francis Farm.

Im wearing a summery outfit. Casual and Chic. I think. I will be posting photos in the next few days. No promises. Im a bit stressed because of too many things to do.

I'm a MESS. And today, I am a mess celebrating Labor Day.

Labor Day Weekend

I am addicted to sunglasses and I love collecting them. I love the fact that they hide my eyes and my eyebags from the sun. I love how it makes an outfit stand out. I just cant have enough.

Today, I felt like singing the Bruno Mars' Lazy song. Im just blogging and reading my new October issue of Lucky Mag. Thanks to my Mom who paid for the subscription. I also wrote the Lucky customer service because I clearly did not receive a bag which they claimed I should have. Asked them if  can even have two because of the inconvenience. Hahaha!

Yesterday, Beamer and I went to the Francis Farm. Its where the wedding will take place. While I was skype-ing with Sissy, we have covered the place and the weather. Thank God its going to be a sunny day! Luvvvvveeeettt!

My job for today consists of continuing the wedding decors, facebooking, blogging (all 3 of them!), start my newest blog (which will never show my face!), make the timeline of the wedding, make the wedding program and be the domesticated goddess that I am.

With regards to fashion, I feel like dressing down nowadays. I think its because the hubster has a very laid back fashion. Nevertheless, it still depends on my mood. My muscle spasm is returning. I remembered a time we were on our way to NY and I was crying because of the pain and he brought me to the hospital. I hate hospitals. I hate the depressing atmosphere. 

Oh well! We only live once. 

I Love to Hate (Part Deux)

I was on a "cheese nips" binge-ing with my sister Sugar and she told me that I am evil. I am. I really am. My mother told the hubster during the course of his courtship that I can be really really nice but if I am treated badly I give it back ten folds.

I would have to agree. 

"I'd rather be a bitch than a doormat." 
— Jessica Zafra

Let me tell you something about myself, I have nothing to do. I can dedicate my life ruining yours and making you miserable so do not try my patience because it is wearing thin. I will not submit in your BS because if I am a nobody, you are just as nobody as me. How dare you doubt my powers you puny little insect. I will squash you like a bug!

The last 2 sentences I've read somewhere. Nevertheless, you have been warned. You have a lot of things to do and problems to tackle. Make sure you don't step on your bounds because little person, you do not know me. YOU do not know what I can do.

This is not a threat, this is a PROMISE.